bio.js

/** Document Ready Functions **/
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/** Reusable Functions **/
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zoe = new Array();
emma = new Array();
kayla = new Array();
welcome = new Array();

zoe[0] = "I work in a small, dark closet but I do love it";
emma[0] = "My backpack has been ripped almost entirely in half for eight (8) months and I won\'t buy a new one";
kayla[0] = "If they want to come seize my assets, joke\'s on them";

zoe[1] = "I wish I could throw my limp lifeless body into the ocean"
emma[1] = "When I get excited I don\'t seem happy at all"
kayla[1] = "Anyways it\'ll all be fine maybe"

zoe[2] = "DON\'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO"
emma[2] = "WE CAN\'T ALL BE WINNERS"
kayla[2] = "WELCOME TO CAPRA COVE"

zoe[3] = "Is there a spell for free t-shirts"
emma[3] = "I am the Database Eternal"
kayla[3] = "My two best friends are a witch and a datagod"

zoe[4] = "I just thought it would be funny if I\'m Creative Visionary<br> but then when you roll over the title it says creative vision berries"
emma[4] = "I called Zoe a snakemouth once and she slapped me"
kayla[4] = "If we aren\'t ridiculous, what is the point of us?"

zoe[5] = "I\'m going to emerge from a KitKat blackout in about an hour and a half and have no idea how I got there<br>orange wrappers festoon the floor<br>I have a straight up chocolate beard"
emma[5] = "drown yourself in a rain barrel"
kayla[5] = "I can only feel things in EXTREMES right now"

zoe[6] = "I took an ativan this morning"
emma[6] = "I took an ativan this morning"
kayla[6] = "omg im on fucking fire right now<br>i really fucking am right now i will not lie<br>i am the fucking guardian of all pleasures ever had or to be had<br>like i am getting a literal headache"

zoe[7] = "My life is like a circus funhouse mirror hall slowly disappearing down a toilet drain"
emma[7] = "My emotions are literally too horrible and specific for emojis like there\'s no emoji for \"throw my lifeless body into the ocean\" so why use them do you know what I mean"
kayla[7] = ":)"

zoe[8] = "Channing Tatum is my son<br>he knows I support him in all endeavors<br>I\'m going to go to his room right now with a hot mug of choc<br>his sweetest of treats<br>its not hot chocolate it\'s just straight up a mug of melted hersheys kisses<br>he loves it<br>"
emma[8] = "ILY BUT RIP"
kayla[8] = "I\'m going to sell the plasma in my blood to pay rent even though I have a full time job"

zoe[9] = "I\'m feeling raw, my doggles."
emma[9] = "We are all p raw"
kayla[9] = "i know it\'s disgusting<br>it\'s a filthy song that my heart is singing."

zoe[10] = "she got squirted out and I was like \"sup\" <br>actually I was like \"I hate you you will steal attention from me\"<br>and nbd but I WAS right."
emma[10] = "Zoe I did not squirt<br>I slipped"
kayla[10] = "Am I adopted yet"

zoe[11] = "Send me every single thing, including the rain barrel I drown Kayla and myself in."
emma[11] = "if i SEE a quarter length sleeve, TODAY, ill SCREAM."
kayla[11] = "please excuse the fact that i am feeling the way society WANTS ME TO FEEL"

zoe[12] = "do you want the TRUTH my dog???????????????????????????????"
emma[12] = "I got gay married to Watermelon."
kayla[12] = "EVERYONE come down to the water. I\'m performing miracles."

zoe[13] = "I hope you come to talk with me today<br> talk with ol grandma dayquil."
emma[13] ="It is in fact an ant\'s world, and ultimately, we do live in it<br><br>so"
kayla[13] ="I see a light above and a rope coming down <br>to save me<br>from the bottom of this well."

zoe[14] = "maybe NOW i\'ll finally get some answers, something besides more fucking questions from this haggard crew"
emma[14] = "We are all doing our best and sometimes that\'s just not good enough tbqh"
kayla[14] = "i think weird experimental rudimentary video game art might be my one true calling."

zoe[15] = "This is my eternal damnation."
emma[15] = "i have dealt my own hand with my negligence."
kayla[15] = "What about a videogame where you just longboard around the neighborhood while really chill music plays. <br>and you can stop to smoke a j at certain points and then the music gets even more chill?"

zoe[16] = "What about a videogame about witches?"
emma[16] = "What about a videogame about secrets and war?"
kayla[16] = "What about a videogame where there are just my 2 cats on a couch and you wait patiently for them to meow and when they do you feed them and then you wait more and that\'s the whole game"

zoe[17] = "Kayla deserves to die"
emma[17] = "Kayla\'s dead anyways. <br>We don\'t expect ghosts to pay bills."
kayla[17] = "Ghosts don\'t have bank accts."

zoe[18] = "Let\'s all go to the place"
emma[18] = "Oh the good place?<br>The place where love waits without time?"
kayla[18] = "Yes let\'s go there<br>Let\'s all go there,<br>now"

zoe[19] = "Tatiana Maslany can do anything she wants to me"
emma[19] = "I would watch her kill an animal and be like :)"
kayla[19] = "She could set my house on fire and I\'d be like haha you\'re so quirky"

zoe[20] = "this is simple curation of all the garbage we spew daily"
emma[20] = "we are all absurdly anxious and perform well only when literally nothing is at stake"
kayla[20] = "yep and as it turns out we are perfect content gods when we are relaxed which is never"

zoe[21] = "movement that we change our name to Mutton Squad"
emma[21] = "I literally can\'t deal with that Zoe please don\'t make me do it"
kayla[21] = "Can I sell my harry potter pet scarves from Mutton Squad?"

zoe[22] = "omg truly shouldering the burden of my emotions is a herculean effort."
emma[22] = "we can\'t keep our fucking mouths shut."
kayla[22] = "the infinity of the universe, the meaning of death, the presence of god, the anxieties of family, and that one place with the cheap drinks that we went one time"

zoe[23] = "1/2 Lipstick Lizard Queen, 1/2 bucket of fish"
emma[23] = "Gambling Gremlin, Duke of the Fjords"
kayla[23] = "A Severed Arm, forgotten by the Sea"

zoe[24] = "We are the bad ones, the scourge of the modern earth."
emma[24] = "pure, unadulterated trash"
kayla[24] = "hot Barb from my office will never love me"

zoe[25] = "Why did I pick a girlfriend that doesn\'t drink ever"
emma[25] = "Why did I pick a girlfriend that cannot enjoy movies or TV unless she has exercised immediately prior"
kayla[25] = "Why does everyone I like live so far away from me that I can\'t even visualize their face"

zoe[26] = "I wish I were dead."
emma[26] = "I wish you were dead."
kayla[26] = "I wish burritos."

zoe[27] = "I\'m in control of the artistic side of things; I designed the logo and the layout of the website."
emma[27] = "I\'m backend and technical development, so I control how everything works and its implementation."
kayla[27] = "I asked Zoe and Emma to let me borrow 220 dollars this morning"

zoe[28] = "My cat came to me and said<br>listen you are a hot barge full of undecomposed styrofoam cups, that\'s true, but you can't die out here in this city desert of LA<br>put your sad little belongings in your sad little red wagon and get yourself on home to the cold awful city of Boston, you butt plug"
emma[28] = "And lo, it was done."
kayla[28] = "It\'s probably fine that I still live there."

zoe[29] = "remember when Kayla extorted us for $220 then said she was going to heat up her lunch and then never came back"
emma[29] = "yes I do remember and do you remember that we killed her and she is a ghost now"
kayla[29] = "omg guys I got busy with actual work I will throw myself to the mercy of every goat ghost"

zoe[30] = "\"Random Fury\" is for sure my X-Men name"
emma[30] = "Mine is \"Kween Crandle\" and everyone knows that"
kayla[30] = "I'm probably just gonna stay home" 

zoe[31] = "I truly need to snordle in the doldrums"
emma[31] = "Why won\'t they let you snordle in the doldrums where you belong"
kayla[31] = "Emma be reasonable not everyone can just snordle in the doldrums whenever they please they have to do 4 hours of work at the register in a retail environment first"

zoe[32] = "RETAIL can u NOT"
emma[32] = "It can and it will and it will never stop for anything even something as beautiful as you sorry" 
kayla[32] = "my feet hurt"

zoe[33] = "if kayla ever said \"emma be reasonable\" to you i would swallow her in one go<br>and when she was halfway down my gullet i would lift my head in the air, choking back the last of her, only her flailing legs visible as she disappears into my grub tube"
emma[33] = "if kayla ever said \"emma be reasonable\" to me i would reach my baby infant arms into the air and wail like a sea witch" 
kayla[33] = "what guys I was not even here for this conversation<br>genuinely what are you talking about<br>this is something you made up"

zoe[34] = "I\'m going to fucking punish my body all day with coffee<br>They are going to rebrand me \"the punisher\""
emma[34] = "When I wake up in the morning, I either pound my shapeless form with the Beans of Life or shamefully return to my horrible Bed Prison where I am serving four consecutive life sentences without parole"
kayla[34] = "If I cannot crawl into the steaming mug I would rather rip off both of my arms by holding onto a tractor than live without caffeine"

zoe[35] = "I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU"
emma[35] =  "IT'S YOU JAGS THAT NEED A RECKONING"
kayla[35] = "I’M JUST REALLY SORRY IN GENERAL" 

zoe[36] = "I will threaten you with excellence and betterment of a world you hate and are forced to live in"
emma[36] = "Zoe and I sometimes need to generate completely imaginary problems bc the old ones are not creative enough"
kayla[36] = "I use dropbox every second of the day without it I would wilt" 

zoe[37] = "gonna get \"bottle episode\" tattooed across my upper chest" 
emma[37] = "Can we talk about it"
kayla[37] = "Absolutely not, there is nothing to say<br>go, go right now"

zoe[38] =  "omg cover me in honey and wait for the ants<br>every day in the sweltering desert sun"
emma[38] = "hold my head under the rapids until my features melt away<br> and I am like a smooth, still river rock"
kayla[38] = "Stick a large iron hook into my tender underbelly and secure it behind my rib cage, drag me home with a rusty clanking chain, for that is better than this"

zoe[39] ="We will put you in a small pod and send you down to the unexplored depths of the ocean where everything is translucent and albino because sunlight doesn't reach down that far<br>and then leave you there for time immemorial hooked up to a machine that provides you food and oxygen and removes your waste only so that you can live forever in your suspended punishment of boredom there are the bottom of the sea where you belong with the googly eyed spinless watermonsters<br>the OTHER googly eyed spineless watermonsters<br>because that is what you are"
emma[39] = "You are garbage, a dumpster human that lives in the gutter, every morning you stretch and trash releases at a thousand miles per hour from your horrible trash body and that's true about you"
kayla[39] = "omfg you little poop filled shoe<br>I want to throw up in your eyes"

zoe[40] = "so what's up with everyone today"
emma[40] = "i just google searched is drew barrymore a witch"
kayla[40] = "thank you that's science"

zoe[41] = "If this website changes at all I'll shoot myself right in the head<br>and my blood will be on your hands forever<br>TTYL"
emma[41] = "Zoe no one's changing the website relax" 
kayla[41] = "idk it's valid"

zoe[42] = "Walrus is my soul twin because I constantly need other people\'s feelings"
emma[42] = "Omg Zoe you aren\'t a walrus"
kayla[42] = "Walruses are actually very sensitive to human emotions, and they can be overwhelmed when they experience unconditional love"

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welcome[0] = ", you incredible geode."
welcome[1] = ", you beautiful rule-breaking moth."
welcome[2] = ", my sunshine waterfall."
welcome[3] = ", my little spoon of peanuts."
welcome[4] = ", my infant goatborn."
welcome[5] = ", Tina Fey."
welcome[6] = ", Amy Poehler."
welcome[7] = ", Maya Rudolph."
welcome[8] = ", my tiny brittle mango."
welcome[9] = ", you multiverse phenomenon."
welcome[10] = ", ultraface."
welcome[11] = ", clamps of futurama fame."
welcome[12] = ", Mr. Butterbath."
welcome[13] = " to the three-floor steam shower."
welcome[14] = " to a cruising speed of 1,000 MPH."
welcome[15] = " to knowing what you don\'t know you know."
welcome[16] = "! cast your spells here."
welcome[17] = " to the alpha and the omega,<br>to the beginning and the end."
welcome[18] = " to a quaint backwater town full of rat babies."
welcome[19] = " to a long, hot pit of cream cheese."
welcome[20] = ", Nightmare Queen."
welcome[21] = " to the suspicious dream state."
welcome[22] = " to the last chance gas station just outside eternity."
welcome[23] = " THE VOID."
welcome[24] = " to never-ending alertness."
welcome[25] = " to the place where love waits without time."
welcome[26] = " to a mysterious mountain crag."
welcome[27] = " to the lowest point of the forest."
welcome[28] = " to forgetting the first part of your life."
welcome[29] = " to sasparilla falls."
welcome[30] = " to the tambourine disco!"
welcome[31] = " to a jungle gym of snakes and snakes alone."
welcome[32] = " Tymora, Goddess of Luck and Chance."
welcome[33] = " to the easter egg of life."
welcome[34] = " to the stables of time."
welcome[35] = " to a very real space."
welcome[36] = " to an apologetic waitstaff HQ."
welcome[37] = " to a bicycle built for three."
welcome[38] = " all time travelers: it\'s already too late."
welcome[39] = ", your silent support means the world to us."
welcome[40] = " to a veritable ranch of tears."
welcome[41] = " to rereading the same paragraph 10 times because for some reason you just cannot concentrate right now."
welcome[42] = " back, francis bacon\'s ghost."
welcome[43] = " to getting the best fourteen years of your life back."
welcome[44] = " to eight small hands making beautiful shadow puppets."
welcome[45] = " to the day you start living your best life."
welcome[46] = " to your favorite page to quickly minimize when your boss walks up from behind."
welcome[47] = " to the tiramisu factory!"
welcome[48] = ", sentient AI humanoid."
welcome[49] = " to a clan of frogs parched against the earth."
welcome[50] = " to a business school that teaches "
welcome[51] = ", my infinitesimal avocado."
welcome[52] = ", tender bean."
welcome[53] = ", dreamer, schemer, nonbeliever."
welcome[54] = ", you gorgeous cephalopod."
welcome[55] = ", have you seen my keys?"
welcome[56] = " to a big pair of Natural 20\’s."
welcome[57] = ", small speck of matter hurtling through outer space."
welcome[58] = ", you old pro."
welcome[59] = ", all pork and pork-like products."
welcome[60] = " Mr. Pinky, and his closet of marionettes."
welcome[61] = " to Dracula\’s beach house!"
welcome[62] = " to a panda's delicate underbelly."
welcome[63] = ", sweet potato enthusiast!"
welcome[64] = ", snakemouth!"
welcome[65] = " to a room full of cats who all want <i>something</i> from you, but they refuse to tell you what that <i>something</i> is."
welcome[66] = " to a gelatinous soup that you have craved for some time."
welcome[67] = " back, sweet corn tomato."
welcome[68] = " to the fold."
welcome[69] = " to a rubix cube that kind of just shakes and floats weirdly."
welcome[70] = ", flightless bird!"
welcome[71] = " to your personal best case scenario."
welcome[72] = " to your favorite nightmare."
welcome[73] = ", you devastatingly beautiful boy."
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    var len = zoe.length;
    var selectedContent=Math.round(Math.random()*(len-1));

    var welcomeLen = welcome.length;
    var selectedWelcome=Math.round(Math.random()*(welcomeLen-1));

    function showBioEmma(){
        document.write(emma[selectedContent]);
    }
    function showBioZoe(){
        document.write(zoe[selectedContent]);
    }
    function showBioKayla(){
        document.write(kayla[selectedContent]);
    }
    function showWelcomeText(){
        document.write(welcome[selectedWelcome]);
    }