Feedback for Last Contact Act 02 #26
Description
Hello,
it follows some feedback on Act 02.
Connections
Line 65, the last sentence of the paragraph "Well I know what this one is but what are the other two." as it is now, it doesn't make sense with the rest. I for sure, did not find obvious what were those columns. In the description that follows I understood the half height one to be the machinery room for an elevator, one full height is the golden elevator to the penthouse and the third remains unclear.
Building
Like 35 "he didn't expect the Chancellor and his childhood friend to turn on him like this" is there a third person mentioned or it's just the Chancellor and his Vera'Cruz?
Bridge
Paragraph at line 47
My first impression was the following: "You start describing the book, how it is empty, how it's not normal paper. Then the prince wonders about his role in it all. And then you describe the book again as you if hadn't till now, repeating some things like the fact that the pages are all blank." Reading it again, I think I get what you wanted to say, as in you describe it and then you go "back to it" but for how its written at first read it felt like a repetition.
Also, it cannot be new and old at the same time, the way you wrote it I'm not sure it make sense.
The wall
Line 114, Tim asks for who is first and then he hands the rope to Sam. Then why did he ask if he already decided who was going to climb? Or did he do that because none of his companions volunteered?
Like 122, Cassandra is in the room and they have no reaction? And then Sam and Tim on line 124 just go on discussing their theory about the dome as if she and Gwen weren't there? I think you missed to write their reaction and the fact that Cassandra and Gwen went out to their room.
Like 132, 3 people had been mentioned throughout the text (Sam, Tim, Gwen), now they are four?
Avalon
Again the problem with the names Ylena/Xavix/Mr. Beyar as mentioned in previous feedback.
Line 56, why is there rainbow paint? Like it feels like an important detail and yet I don't think it was mentioned before or I'm wrong? The melting feels important but it's not clear to me if it's a byproduct of those special shields or part of the shields themselves.
Line 72, you mention an unidentified object, Jaedon asks and there is no reply from the ship's AI.
Line 120, "her mentor" mentor of... Gwen?
Line 134, it's unclear what Allorien is saying/wants to do/means.
General feedback
They applies to everything I've read so far.
I saw that a lot of subtitles where you set the location for the scene are capitalized es.: Chancellor's Bedroom, Secure Storage Facility. Is there a specific reason for why words like Bedroom, Storage and Facility in those titles are capitalized?
Independently on how you read things... you end up seeing some things twice, namely, for example, the description of Allorien.