Feedback for Last Contact Act 03 #27
Description
[I will keep on updating this issue as I read Act 03, I will say when I'm 100% done]
Backdoor
Line 21, why USAID has security footage of the building playing on the screens in there?
I’m… unsure. You say it’s USAID control center. I was unsure when you said there was security footage on the screens but also the way these operators acted… it is as if they are something else, something with a much higher security and information than USAID. I don’t think anyone would find a priority to go look into the USAID database/systems nor USAID would have a control center like that.
I understand that you’re retelling what happened in RL but I think it doesn’t fully work the way it is.
Line 73: “this wall” wall? As it is, I thought of the wall made of bricks, the wall of a building but I think you mean the system that encrypted everything and sent it out to COBOL systems.
Reignite
Like 227 “people who agree with him” doesn’t feel like it make sense/has a connect with the rest of the sentence as it is.
Representation
Line 21 "retained the title from his other job". The title being Senator?
Line 39 "The most senior Senator Le'Rue glowered at junior Senator Pace from the vassal state of Pluto." it felt like a sudden change of tone/style/formality compared to the lines above.
Line 53 "He was a short round man with a deep voice and a frustrated tone. Senator Pace was interrupting his flow of leading the other Senators."
First, I would have expected the description of La'Rue to appear earlier in the chapter.
Second, it doesn't feel there was much of a flow of discussion by reading the previous paragraphs. The way it is written feels like La'Rue called the session and the topic and right away Pace spoke up.
Line 55 why the news of the arrest of this "random" person made them ask the release of 3 inmates? Like I know why, but for how it is written it's like "we randomly decided we wanted 3 inmates"
Projection
Line 44 "from a tall woman" a tall woman? Random tall woman standing on the ship?
Line 70 "We are not assigned genders at birth everyone has it in our species. We use it for speech like in your case" I feel like the "We are not assigned gender at birth" confuses the subject of the rest of the sentences which, if I understood correctly, is the Adam Apple.
Line 80 "runs most of our lives"?
Line 84 is Allorien reading in Tim's mind? For how it's written paragraph on line 82, the questions Tim pose at the end are not spoke up neither by voice or telepathically. I think it is explained a few lines below at line 90.
The Generals
No feedback.
Io
Line 17 "red planet"? Isn't Mars the red planet? While here we are talking about Jupiter.
Line 27 onward Since when a general does the work of a support crew? I never was in the military, but aren't generals/ranking officers the one who do the talking while other lower ranked staff do the actual doing?
Line 69 A paper(?) book/tome in space? On Io? I feel like it's pushing the boundary of how far one can believe.
Line 75 "Among the volcanic dome" doesn't make sense... if the volcanic dome is https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lava_dome so I imagined they would be standing on top of a large one... you stand among debris or rocks or... but not among the volcanic dome.
Line 77 That must have been a big bubble if Sam and the general were far away from her to be unreachable.
What's the point of Gwen there readying a book with a staff? I understand you need her to save the other two but it feels... that readying a book doesn't work.