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| 1 | ++1 The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed. |
| 2 | ++1 I changed my password to incorrect. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say Your password is incorrect |
| 3 | ++1 Question What do you call the security people outside of a Samsung Store? Answer Guardians of the Galaxy |
| 4 | ++3 Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it. |
| 5 | ++3 I think my neighbor is stalking me as she has been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. |
| 6 | ++3 A clean house is the sign of a broken computer |
| 7 | ++3 I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didnt know either. |
| 8 | ++3 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing |
| 9 | ++3 Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house |
| 10 | ++3 My mom said that if I dont get off my computer and do my homework shell slam my head on the keyboard, but I think shes jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn |
| 11 | ++3 My email password has been hacked. Thats the third time Ive had to rename my pet |
| 12 | ++3 Remember the time when emojis were called hieroglyphics? |
| 13 | ++3 Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and its their mum saying I have a computer question. |
| 14 | ++3 The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself This changes everything |
| 15 | ++3 Is your name Wi-Fi? Because Im feeling a connection |
| 16 | ++3 Google is definitely a woman, it starts suggesting things before you can even finish your sentence |
| 17 | ++3 I tried to escape the Apple store. I couldnt because there were no Windows |
| 18 | ++3 My computers got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking. |
| 19 | ++3 Failure is not an option - it comes bundled with the software. |
| 20 | ++3 If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does. |
| 21 | ++3 Give a Nigerian a fish hell eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and hell become a prince and start e-mailing people. |
| 22 | ++3 I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. |
| 23 | ++3 I Googled how to start a wildfire. I got 48,500 matches. |
| 24 | ++3 Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos. |
| 25 | ++3 Yesterday I decided to change my WiFi name to Hack me if you can and when I woke up this morning I saw the name changed to Challenge accepted somebody help. |
| 26 | ++3 My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status Im getting a divorce, he was the first one to click Like. |
| 27 | ++3 Youd think that with NSA reading our tweets all the time, they could star or retweet some of the good ones. |
| 28 | ++3 If a dog was a computer, would its bark be bigger than its byte? |
| 29 | ++3 I never ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then dont respond to their texts. |
| 30 | ++3 Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll. |
| 31 | ++3 I was going to be a computer forensics expert, but couldnt hack IT. |
| 32 | ++3 Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC. |
| 33 | ++3 What is an astronauts favorite place on a computer? The Space bar! |
| 34 | ++3 What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with? He enters Nerdvana. |
| 35 | ++3 Wikepedia: I know everything Facebook: I know everyone Google: I have everything Internet: You would be nothing without me Electricity: Keep talking bitches! |
| 36 | ++3 Heres a picture of me with REM. Thats me in the corner |
| 37 | ++3 My mother told me, you dont have to put anything in your mouth you dont want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards |
| 38 | ++3 Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: Oi - get out. We dont want your type in here |
| 39 | ++3 I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldnt find any |
| 40 | ++3 Im on a whisky diet. Ive lost three days already. |
| 41 | ++3 Im a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable. |
| 42 | ++3 Im reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen I can feel it. |
| 43 | ++3 Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Its okay. He woke up. |
| 44 | ++3 What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop! |
| 45 | ++3 The problem isnt that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family |
| 46 | ++3 I tried to change my password to penis but they said it was too short. |
| 47 | ++3 The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally |
| 48 | ++3 I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat |
| 49 | ++3 A dyslexic man walks into a bra |
| 50 | ++3 The truth is out there. Anybody got the URL |
| 51 | ++3 UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity |
| 52 | ++3 Unix is user friendly. Its just selective about who its friends are |
| 53 | ++3 My daily Unix command list: unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep |
| 54 | ++3 My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. |
| 55 | ++3 I would love to change the world, but they wont give me the source code. |
| 56 | ++3 Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers. |
| 57 | ++3 Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. |
| 58 | ++3 The beginning of the programmers wisdom is understanding the difference between getting program to run and having a runnable program. |
| 59 | ++3 If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime. |
| 60 | ++3 Black holes are where God divided by zero. |
| 61 | ++3 If brute force doesnt solve your problems, then you arent using enough. |
| 62 | ++3 There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who cant. |
| 63 | ++3 Romantic relationships can actually be represented in algebra. You for example, have definitely at some point looked at your X and asked yourself Y. |
| 64 | ++3 My iPod is in Titanic mode right now. It is syncing. |
| 65 | ++3 A programmer gets shopping instructions from his wife: Go buy a cauliflower. If they have oranges, get two dozens. He comes home with 24 cauliflowers. |
| 66 | ++3 How can you tell a programmer is an extrovert? When youre talking to him, hes looking at your shoes. |
| 67 | ++3 College is really just kidnapping done backwards. If you dont give us a ridiculously large amount of money, well send you your child back. |
| 68 | ++3 An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks may I join you? |
| 69 | ++3 A cop pulls over Werner Heisenberg and says, Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg responds, NO, but I know EXACTLY where I am. |
| 70 | ++3 I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me I wasnt putting in enough shifts. |
| 71 | ++3 Have you heard of that new band 1023 Megabytes? Theyre pretty good, but they dont have a gig just yet. |
| 72 | ++3 Question Why did the computer show up at work late? Answer It had a ?hard drive. |
| 73 | ++3 I saw a driver texting and driving. It made me so mad I threw my beer at him. |
| 74 | ++3 The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed. |
| 75 | ++3 I started a band called 999 megabytes we still havent gotten a gig |
| 76 | ++3 I saw a sign that said watch for children and I thought, That sounds like a fair trade |
| 77 | ++3 A photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he needs help with his bags. The photon replies, No thanks, Im travelling light. |
| 78 | ++3 Its hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. |
| 79 | ++3 I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. |
| 80 | ++3 Parallel lines have so much in common but its a shame theyll never meet. |
| 81 | ++3 How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning? All the red flags. |
| 82 | ++3 I would tell you a joke about UDP, but you might not get it. |
| 83 | ++3 Im going to keep telling you this TCP joke until you get it. |
| 84 | ++3 Alcoholics dont run in my family - they mostly stumble around and bump into things. |
| 85 | ++3 A bipartisan bill legalizing medical marijuana for use in alleviating symptoms of arthritis would be joint support for joint support for joint support. |
| 86 | ++3 I heard that Amazons offering a service that crowdsources teaching how to dance, and theyre calling it Mechanical Twerk. |
| 87 | ++3 When the two musicians got an apartment together, they ended up composing a Romance in A Flat. |
| 88 | ++3 I made a new word up! Its Plagiarism. |
| 89 | ++3 I for one like roman numerals. |
| 90 | ++3 Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician. |
| 91 | ++3 If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then are electricians delighted? |
| 92 | ++3 When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punch line becomes apparent. |
| 93 | ++3 I wanted to write an IPv4 joke, but the good ones were all already exhausted. |
| 94 | ++3 What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist. |
| 95 | ++3 In computing, whats the only way to generate a truly random string? Put a Windows user in front of VI and tell him to quit. |
| 96 | ++3 I think a lot of linux package handling systems are not good enough for the task. But the one with Ubuntu is apt. |
| 97 | ++3 Met a guy once who rapped about nothing but Linux systems His name was 50CentOS |
| 98 | ++3 Why are linux geeks very introvertish ? Because they never get out of their shell |
| 99 | +What is the object-orientated way to become wealthy? inheritance |
| 100 | ++3 A programmer had a problem - he decided to use Java, He now has a ProblemFactory |
| 101 | ++3 if you put a million monkeys on a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program, The REST will write Perl |
| 102 | ++5 A server was a man with drinks |
| 103 | ++5 A Notebook was where you write |
| 104 | ++5 A click was done with fingers |
| 105 | ++5 And a reboot means you had a fight |
| 106 | ++5 Cyberspace was where the spaceships went |
| 107 | ++5 A screen saver was a cinema's bodyguard |
| 108 | ++5 Traffic only happened in cars |
| 109 | ++5 And Spam always had a lot of lard |
| 110 | ++5 Java was a type of bean |
| 111 | ++5 Hacking was what an axe-man's job, |
| 112 | ++5 A platform was where you sang |
| 113 | ++5 And a volley was a type of lob |
| 114 | ++5 The Age Before The Computer - devang-gandhi |
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